Friday, March 9, 2012

People get mad at me because I don't always agree with them or take everything they say as gospel. I question things, I want to know the facts, I want to know more before I decide one way or another, I've always questioned. I questioned my teachers in school, I question what people say they've heard, I question friends, I question. It's what I do. I put out my own thoughts and ideas on a subject, and just because someone says they know something, doesn't mean I won't still question it. 

But people get mad at me for not automatically taking everything they say at face value, for not automatically believing they're an expert on it, or know everything there is to know about it. People stop being my friend because I don't think or act the way they want me to, because I have opposing viewpoints, because I question them. 

I don't like losing friends. But I don't know how else to be. This is how I am. It's how I've always been. I think my own way. I can't help it. It hurts when people don't want to be my friend anymore because I say what I think and don't think the way they want me to. It hurts when people I care about get mad at me or stop speaking to me because I am how I am. 

I don't know how else to be. I really don't. I don't know how to just agree to agree, to get along. I don't know how to not question things or voice my thoughts. Sometimes I try not to, I really do, but that feels false to me, it feels wrong to just let things go by when I think something is not how it's being presented or when I have questions about their facts or when I know something, a lot, about a subject and I know they don't know what I know so I try to tell them. I'm not trying to be a know-it-all, but if I know, shouldn't I share that so they know, too? I'm not trying to say they don't know anything, but if I question something, shouldn't I ask the questions? 

But people get mad at me for saying something, for questioning, for not just agreeing with them or complimenting them without critiquing. 

And I lose friends. And it hurts to lose friends because I'm me. 

But I don't know how else to be.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Clementine has a tummy ache.

Clemmie is not feeling well. She spent the afternoon at the vet after vomiting all morning, continuing from last night. She got into my bathroom trash Sunday evening, and apparently ate a couple of icy/hot patches as well as we don't know what else. 

They did xrays, found she has a mass in her colon, poop and...stuff, that has impacted and isn't coming out on its own very well, so they gave her an enema to try to help things along (which it did, all over the back seat of my car on the way home tonight, but there's still a lot more in there).

They also are doing a barium study to see if there's any blockage in her intestinal tract that they can't see on the xrays, what with the massive poop in her colon in the way and all, she has to go back tomorrow morning first thing and stay at the hospital all day so they can track the barium they gave her today that's still in her stomach right now. 

They also did a blood test to check for pancreatitis, we're hoping that's not the problem, but need to know for sure. They'll have the results of that tomorrow. 

They wanted to keep her overnight, but there isn't anyone there at night so I insisted I pick her up and bring her home to monitor her and keep her comfortable and take her back in the morning. I didn't want her to be in the hospital for 12 hours all by herself with no one keeping an eye on her. 

We're very much hoping that she just needs to poop a lot of stuff out (so far there has been some very fibrous-looking stuff coming out with the poop, so hopefully it's all just poop and fiber in there and nothing that is sharp or hard) and has a really bad tummy ache and there isn't an intestinal foreign body blockage or a case of pancreatitis going on. 

The estimate for all this treatment is $672. We all know I don't make a lot of money, and I've been trying hard to save for Daisy's future hip surgery. Clemmie's new dad, Greg, is willing to pitch in to help with the costs, but it's still a lot of money for us both. And he's not even officially her owner yet, since we haven't signed the adoption paperwork yet. But he's already a good dad, and is just as worried about her as I am. 

I've had an incredibly long, worrisome, anxious, busy, tiring day - I had 10 walks/visits today that I had to manage to get done around taking Clem to the vet and picking her up again, it wasn't easy - what with the unexpected stop at Walmart to clean poop out of the backseat (I'll be needing to buy a new Thomas Guide, as well as a hat for walking dogs, and there will be a rather stinky load of laundry happening soon, which will include my car club jacket, both my hoodies, and a flannel I keep in the car in case I need to do dirty stuff on the go) and buy a couple of cheap towels, and I just got home at 9:30 p.m. after having started my day at 7:30 a.m. 

Clemmie has sad face right now, and so do I. So we'd appreciate any and all good vibes and positive thoughts and all that sent our way.

A couple of friends wanted to help with her vet bill, so I created a new chip in for it:

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I'm real. And that really hurts.

YOU, and YOU, and YOU over there...this is to all of you who have done this to me.  

I'm not some idea, 
I'm not some fragment of imagination, I'm not a girl in a movie or a book, I'm not a plaything, I'm not a game for you to play to pass the time with for a little while...I'm REAL.  I am a real person.  I have REAL feelings.  I can really be hurt.  I really feel badly and I really cry.

Why would you flirt with me, why would you chat me up, or act like you actually like me when you're in a relationship?  How do you think that makes me feel when I find out that you don't really mean it, all that flirting?  How do you think the girl you're in a relationship with would feel if she found out you'd been flirting with me?

Why would you bother to make me think you truly like me, why would you let me like you back, if you're not genuinely interested in me?  Why would you lead me on and talk to me so much if you don't really want to date me?  Why would you send me mixed messages, spending time with me, doing things for me or with me that you don't with other people, hugging me a little too long, if you only think of me as a "friend"?

I'm not a coat, I'm not a hat, you can't try me on for size just for the hell of it.  Just to see what it looks like on you, even though you're not seriously thinking about taking it home, about being seen walking around in public with it.

I thought you honestly LIKED me.  I liked you back!  Do you have any idea how rare that is?  That I like someone back?  That I like someone at all?  That I even like anyone enough to even consider saying yes?  I NEVER say yes.  I don't ever let most guys get anywhere near close enough to me for them to be able to ask.

My friend was just admonishing me for not ever letting guys hit on me.  YOU are exactly why I don't let guys hit on me anymore.  You are why I don't let them get close enough to even ask before making sure they know the answer is NO.

Why would I want to let them hit on me when I know I'm just a novelty to them?  When I know that I'm merely a fleeting idea in their minds.  When I know I'm just a passing fancy or an amusing curiosity.  When I know I'm only momentary entertainment, a bit of "fun" you have before you go back to your real life.  A life that you don't want me to be a part of.  Being your fun is not so much fun for me.  

I don't flirt unless I mean it.  I don't pretend I like someone unless I truly do.  I am very careful to never let someone think I am interested in them in a way I am not.  

If I flirt with you, if I pay extra attention to you, if I smile pretty and always try to be pretty around you, it means I LIKE you.  It means I would say yes if you asked.  It means I WANT you to ask.

Don't play with that.  Don't play with me.  Don't play with my feelings.  I'm not a doll, I'm not a toy, I'm a person.  I'm a real person.  With real feelings.  Who really gets hurt when someone like you makes her think you really like her...and then finds out you really don't.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Love is not for me

Stop telling me how you think I'm easy to fall in love with or how you think I'm so amazing and if we lived closer you'd really be into me, or if I would only just change my standards and ideas of what I want in a partner we would be perfect together (why would we do well together if you want me to want something that isn't what I want?), or if only this or if only that, or whatever variation on that theme you're pushing.  

No, I'm NOT easy to fall in love with.  I'm difficult, I'm complicated, and truth be told, not one single person in my entire life has EVER been in love with me.  Not one.  Ever.  

I've been dating since I was 13 years old, I lost my virginity at 14 1/2...and in all that time, in all the years and years of dating, I've been the one to break off a relationship exactly TWICE.  And in all those same years, I've only had 3 relationships that lasted longer than the infamous 3 month mark.  One lasted a year and a half (technically two years since it took me six months to have the balls to break it off while he was at school halfway across the country), one lasted 9 months - and only lasted that long because my boyfriend was living with me and mooching off me and had nowhere else to go, one lasted 6 months - and that guy gave me a list of all the things he didn't like about me that he thought I should change if we were going to continue dating, which is why I broke up with him...he then proceeded to lightly stalk me for nearly 2 years, not because he really loved me, but because I no longer wanted him.  

Do you get that?  TWICE have I ever been the one to break it off.  THREE of all the multitudes of males I've ever dated bothered to stick around me longer than 3 months.  More guys than I can remember to count have fucked me and then disappeared or avoided ever having to speak to me again.  Even the ones I didn't WANT to date.  

So stop it.  Just stop it.  You are not going to fall in love with me because no one EVER falls in love with me, no one ever in my life has honestly, truly been in love with me.  I am not the girl that people fall in love with.  I am a triple F girl.  I'm the girl they Fantasize about, want to Fuck, or want to be Friends with.  Often two out of those three at a time.  And the only reason they fantasize about me is because I keep myself apart from them.  People fantasize about things they don't have readily available to them, not about things they could have if they only reached for it.   

And every time one of you tells me how fucking fabulous you think I am, how you don't understand how anyone wouldn't want to keep me locked away in a box forever and ever, how you would totally be the dog at my heels if you were only allowed to be, it doesn't make me feel has the exact opposite effect.  It makes me remember all the times I've loved someone and not had them love me back.  All the times I've been tossed aside for some other girl.  All the times I've been passed over, passed by, or pushed away by someone I was really into...someone I cared about, someone I really dug, was really into, really loved, had fallen in love with, someone I wanted to have really, truly SEE me, and 'get' me, and want me for who I am.  

But that doesn't happen.  Not for me.  It is only those of you who I keep at arm's length, who I don't let get very close to me, who want me.  If you were to actually date me, if I were to really dig you and want you to be my beau, you would nearly instantly decide you were no longer interested.  That's how it works for me.  That's how it's ALWAYS worked for me.

So stop it.  Stop flirting with me when you break up with your latest girlfriend, stop thinking you can fuck me because, hey, now you're single and we used to date, so surely I'll just jump on the chance to jump on you again.  You didn't want me when we dated, remember?  You didn't want to keep me, so what the hell would make you think I would want you now?  What makes you think I'm available to assuage your bruised ego?

Stop telling me how you think I'm the greatest girl ever and any guy would be lucky to have me, because they DON'T WANT ME if I want them...get it?  The ones who run away from me are the ones who count themselves lucky.  And especially don't say those things to me if we once dated...because YOU didn't consider yourself lucky to have me, did you?

The only ones who want me are the ones who know I don't want them back.  That's safe, that way you can keep me in some little shadow box like I'm a 3D piece of art on your wall, you can look at me and admire me but you don't have to be too close to me.  You don't have to deal with the REALITY of me, you can pretend I am who you think I am.  You can just look at the parts of me you like, and ignore all the ugly parts or the parts that don't interest you.

But the whole me, the real me, the fully formed and fully realized me?  That's not what you want.  That's not what anyone wants.  

And do NOT tell me how it's only that I don't pick the right guys...or how I lean towards the emotionally unavailable guys...because they are only emotionally unavailable to ME.  They were often in long-term relationships BEFORE me, and they almost invariably move on immediately after dumping me to some girl they become completely emotionally involved with, who they enter into an actual relationship with, who they fall in love with, marry, stay with for years, whatever.  

It's not them, it's me.  It's not my choices in men, it's their lack of choosing me.  

All you do when you tell me how you would love to love me is make me well up in the wallow of my lack of love.  Every time you try to warm my heart with your soulful proclamations of my desirability from afar, you drive another shard of ice into it instead.  My heart is a cold, concealed closet now, best to leave the door closed lest you come face to face with your fear of the dark.  

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Stuff I See Series - WTF

I see a lot of random things on my dog walks.  A lot.  Of REALLY random stuff.  There have literally been times that I stopped in my tracks and stood staring at some random thing or other trying to figure out any sort of answer to "WTF??"

I rarely figure out the answer.  But that's okay, 'cause it keeps life interesting when you don't know the answer to every WTF thing you happen across.

So here are some of the WTF things I've seen on some of my walks.  Some are cute, some are creepy, some are...well...WTF?

I love crazy people.  They have the BEST landscaping/decorating.

You probably can't see all that well in this crappy cel phone pic (and most of these will be crappy cel phone pics, get used to it, I don't carry a "real" camera with me while walking 90lb Rottweilers and the like, sorry) but those are mostly birdhouses decorating that lawn...a LOT of birdhouses.  I'm not sure that actual birds ever take up residence in any of them, but hey, this homeowner is certainly ready to pander to the flocks of evil Starlings that are coming to take over our world...should such a thing occur...

There is a very nice older man living here who, in appearance at least, somewhat reminds me of my grandfather. He doesn't seem to be terribly insane, so I'm guessing he's just REALLY bored all the time and sets up whatever random tchotchkes he finds wherever he thinks they might

This, by the way, is just one area...the ENTIRE house/yard is covered with random stuff.  And I DO mean random.  Entirely, unfathomably, oddly random.

This appeared on the street sign next to weird grandpa's house from the entry above one day.  It was up for a few days, the next week it was gone.  Perhaps he thought some passing stranger might like a really ugly sweater that only Bill Cosby in his heyday would fully have appreciated?

Yeah, I dunno, either....

Speaking of lots and lots of birdhouses....I think the birds might better appreciate the tree all those houses are cluttering up, but hey, whatever...

That is a whole bunch of umbrellas.

Why, yes, I did build my house to resemble a mausoluem, what of it?

Have a Holly Jolly Creepy Christmas!

This is a house in a very expensive neighborhood in Naples, Long Beach.  I would pass it during this past Christmas season walking the Rich Kids as I call them...five little dogs all belonging to VERY rich people.  Many of the houses in the area were well-decorated during the season and several were...oddly decorated, to say the least...but none quite reached this level of pure creeptastic Christmas weirdness.

Yes, those are more stuffed animals and dolls than I have seen in one place since my visit to the NYC store of FAO Schwartz when I was a kid.

"We welcome nose prints" reads the sign...yeah, 'cause the one thing I want to do is get CLOSER to all those creepy, staring, waiting dolls....uh, no thanks.

Do you see her?  The one in the left corner of the pic, there?  The one trying to figure out how to get the door open so she can escape her doll prison and wreak havoc on the world, starting with those two animatronic Christmas Caroler dolls she's been running over ways in her mind to sneak up behind and strangle?  Yeah, totally not the creepiest shit you ever saw in a Christmas decoration....

As long as we're in the creepy Christmas about a row of dead, deflated corpses to cheer your holiday?

I...I just don't even know...

Stairway to nowhere?  Or stairway to....HEEELLLLL!!!!???

Or maybe somebody just fucked up REALLY badly during construction?

I come across these little odd things that I'm sure a lot of people never even see.  I don't know if some kid left them out, or they're mid-Toy Story escapade and had to freeze when I happened along...I'll leave it up to you to form your own opinions...

Or maybe they're just trying to make it safely home after a hard day's work entertaining children and passer's by?

And to end our short sojourn into the WTF realm....this is not a mystery wtf, it's not creepy, it's not weird, really, or even a little bit odd...this is merely....


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Daisy Mae needs a new hip

As many of you know, I love my dogs as much as I love any person I know. My girl Daisy Mae has hip dysplasia in her right hip and needs a rather pricey surgery to fix it permanently so she doesn't have to take meds for the rest of her life that could very well cause liver disease and kill her at some point.

I'm going to be pinching my pennies and saving saving saving up to try to get the money ($8,000 in total) for the surgery, but I could really use some help.

Any amount you want to contribute will be extremely gratefully appreciated, no matter how small. And since I will be leaving the chipin up and active for the next six months at least, you can contribute at any time, I'm attaching this chipin page to my blog, and will be reposting it on FB every so often.

It would be especially nice to get some contributions in it for my birthday. :)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Stuff I See Series - If I were a racecar

I would not be one of these.  

I'm told this is a Morgan.  I had never seen one before.  It is beautiful.  And new, not old.  And very, very expensive.  That is all.  


I get to see lovely old things on my walks sometimes.  

Going Baja in style.  

Monday, May 23, 2011

Would You

Would you like me more if I were simple?

Would you love me if I were easy?

Would you want to be with me forever if I didn't question or challenge you?

Would you want me to be yours if I didn't push or pull you?

Would you think of me all the time if I didn't make you have to think all the time?  

Would we be together if I were a different kind of girl?

Or do you not want me because I am a different kind of girl?