Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Love is not for me

Stop telling me how you think I'm easy to fall in love with or how you think I'm so amazing and if we lived closer you'd really be into me, or if I would only just change my standards and ideas of what I want in a partner we would be perfect together (why would we do well together if you want me to want something that isn't what I want?), or if only this or if only that, or whatever variation on that theme you're pushing.  

No, I'm NOT easy to fall in love with.  I'm difficult, I'm complicated, and truth be told, not one single person in my entire life has EVER been in love with me.  Not one.  Ever.  

I've been dating since I was 13 years old, I lost my virginity at 14 1/2...and in all that time, in all the years and years of dating, I've been the one to break off a relationship exactly TWICE.  And in all those same years, I've only had 3 relationships that lasted longer than the infamous 3 month mark.  One lasted a year and a half (technically two years since it took me six months to have the balls to break it off while he was at school halfway across the country), one lasted 9 months - and only lasted that long because my boyfriend was living with me and mooching off me and had nowhere else to go, one lasted 6 months - and that guy gave me a list of all the things he didn't like about me that he thought I should change if we were going to continue dating, which is why I broke up with him...he then proceeded to lightly stalk me for nearly 2 years, not because he really loved me, but because I no longer wanted him.  

Do you get that?  TWICE have I ever been the one to break it off.  THREE of all the multitudes of males I've ever dated bothered to stick around me longer than 3 months.  More guys than I can remember to count have fucked me and then disappeared or avoided ever having to speak to me again.  Even the ones I didn't WANT to date.  

So stop it.  Just stop it.  You are not going to fall in love with me because no one EVER falls in love with me, no one ever in my life has honestly, truly been in love with me.  I am not the girl that people fall in love with.  I am a triple F girl.  I'm the girl they Fantasize about, want to Fuck, or want to be Friends with.  Often two out of those three at a time.  And the only reason they fantasize about me is because I keep myself apart from them.  People fantasize about things they don't have readily available to them, not about things they could have if they only reached for it.   

And every time one of you tells me how fucking fabulous you think I am, how you don't understand how anyone wouldn't want to keep me locked away in a box forever and ever, how you would totally be the dog at my heels if you were only allowed to be, it doesn't make me feel good...it has the exact opposite effect.  It makes me remember all the times I've loved someone and not had them love me back.  All the times I've been tossed aside for some other girl.  All the times I've been passed over, passed by, or pushed away by someone I was really into...someone I cared about, someone I really dug, was really into, really loved, had fallen in love with, someone I wanted to have really, truly SEE me, and 'get' me, and want me for who I am.  

But that doesn't happen.  Not for me.  It is only those of you who I keep at arm's length, who I don't let get very close to me, who want me.  If you were to actually date me, if I were to really dig you and want you to be my beau, you would nearly instantly decide you were no longer interested.  That's how it works for me.  That's how it's ALWAYS worked for me.

So stop it.  Stop flirting with me when you break up with your latest girlfriend, stop thinking you can fuck me because, hey, now you're single and we used to date, so surely I'll just jump on the chance to jump on you again.  You didn't want me when we dated, remember?  You didn't want to keep me, so what the hell would make you think I would want you now?  What makes you think I'm available to assuage your bruised ego?

Stop telling me how you think I'm the greatest girl ever and any guy would be lucky to have me, because they DON'T WANT ME if I want them...get it?  The ones who run away from me are the ones who count themselves lucky.  And especially don't say those things to me if we once dated...because YOU didn't consider yourself lucky to have me, did you?

The only ones who want me are the ones who know I don't want them back.  That's safe, that way you can keep me in some little shadow box like I'm a 3D piece of art on your wall, you can look at me and admire me but you don't have to be too close to me.  You don't have to deal with the REALITY of me, you can pretend I am who you think I am.  You can just look at the parts of me you like, and ignore all the ugly parts or the parts that don't interest you.

But the whole me, the real me, the fully formed and fully realized me?  That's not what you want.  That's not what anyone wants.  

And do NOT tell me how it's only that I don't pick the right guys...or how I lean towards the emotionally unavailable guys...because they are only emotionally unavailable to ME.  They were often in long-term relationships BEFORE me, and they almost invariably move on immediately after dumping me to some girl they become completely emotionally involved with, who they enter into an actual relationship with, who they fall in love with, marry, stay with for years, whatever.  

It's not them, it's me.  It's not my choices in men, it's their lack of choosing me.  

All you do when you tell me how you would love to love me is make me well up in the wallow of my lack of love.  Every time you try to warm my heart with your soulful proclamations of my desirability from afar, you drive another shard of ice into it instead.  My heart is a cold, concealed closet now, best to leave the door closed lest you come face to face with your fear of the dark.