Thursday, October 6, 2011

I'm real. And that really hurts.

YOU, and YOU, and YOU over there...this is to all of you who have done this to me.  

I'm not some idea, 
I'm not some fragment of imagination, I'm not a girl in a movie or a book, I'm not a plaything, I'm not a game for you to play to pass the time with for a little while...I'm REAL.  I am a real person.  I have REAL feelings.  I can really be hurt.  I really feel badly and I really cry.

Why would you flirt with me, why would you chat me up, or act like you actually like me when you're in a relationship?  How do you think that makes me feel when I find out that you don't really mean it, all that flirting?  How do you think the girl you're in a relationship with would feel if she found out you'd been flirting with me?

Why would you bother to make me think you truly like me, why would you let me like you back, if you're not genuinely interested in me?  Why would you lead me on and talk to me so much if you don't really want to date me?  Why would you send me mixed messages, spending time with me, doing things for me or with me that you don't with other people, hugging me a little too long, if you only think of me as a "friend"?

I'm not a coat, I'm not a hat, you can't try me on for size just for the hell of it.  Just to see what it looks like on you, even though you're not seriously thinking about taking it home, about being seen walking around in public with it.

I thought you honestly LIKED me.  I liked you back!  Do you have any idea how rare that is?  That I like someone back?  That I like someone at all?  That I even like anyone enough to even consider saying yes?  I NEVER say yes.  I don't ever let most guys get anywhere near close enough to me for them to be able to ask.

My friend was just admonishing me for not ever letting guys hit on me.  YOU are exactly why I don't let guys hit on me anymore.  You are why I don't let them get close enough to even ask before making sure they know the answer is NO.

Why would I want to let them hit on me when I know I'm just a novelty to them?  When I know that I'm merely a fleeting idea in their minds.  When I know I'm just a passing fancy or an amusing curiosity.  When I know I'm only momentary entertainment, a bit of "fun" you have before you go back to your real life.  A life that you don't want me to be a part of.  Being your fun is not so much fun for me.  

I don't flirt unless I mean it.  I don't pretend I like someone unless I truly do.  I am very careful to never let someone think I am interested in them in a way I am not.  

If I flirt with you, if I pay extra attention to you, if I smile pretty and always try to be pretty around you, it means I LIKE you.  It means I would say yes if you asked.  It means I WANT you to ask.

Don't play with that.  Don't play with me.  Don't play with my feelings.  I'm not a doll, I'm not a toy, I'm a person.  I'm a real person.  With real feelings.  Who really gets hurt when someone like you makes her think you really like her...and then finds out you really don't.